Shame on Me

OK, the summer has come and sort of gone, and there have been plaintive cries from the peanut gallery about us being remiss in posting and zapping people with the RWP blog wand. Shame on me. Seriously, shame on me because *gasp* I might just have participated myself in some of that hated RWP-type behaviour.

Such as:

• Despite my best intentions, I somehow always find a way to, well, be in the way. Especially when there is a confined area and I have a backpack on.
• I walk and text. Badly. Usually involving me running into, or very nearly running into, people.
• Since I am mostly deaf, when I think I am being calm, quiet and reserved, what I am actually doing is nearly yelling. At people sitting right beside me. So everyone else within a two mile radius can hear me.
  
• Somehow whenever I try to press the door open button on an elevator, trying to save the car for someone coming, I hit the door close button and the door closes in their face. Seriously, I do it by accident. I know you (and Freud) don't believe me, but it is an accident.
  
• I usually do not get out of people's way on the sidewalk, but only if there is an equal amount of area and time for the other person to move. Sometimes I am bitchy like that.
  
• I hang up on telemarketers after telling them I am not interested in their products.
• When pushed to my limit, I often can fly off the handle and yell at the people pissing me off. More like scream.
• What can I say? Oooopsies?
  

7 most popular RWP behaviors in a mall setting

This article was originally published in The Transatlantic Journal of Behavioral ARWPism: The RWP issue.  

by Dr. MacLead-Bounty

In our studies amongst RWP I and my esteemed colleagues, Dr.s Sjovt and Hauska, have found it extremely intriguing as well as beneficial to our understanding of RWPism to look at specific settings in the RWP world and the behavior manifested in those specific settings. This has allowed us to uncover well established patterns of behavior and will ultimately help us to understand our fellow earth-dwellers better.

Therefore, for us in recent years, one of our main areas of focus has been what is commonly known in the RWP world as the Mall. This is a setting with great amounts of traffic as well as interaction for RWPs and as such has proved to be a veritable fountain of information.

We have identified the following behaviors as the 7 most popular RWP behaviors in a mall setting:

1. The Human Chain

This behavior involves a group of people, who are usually related or connected through a marriage-like situation holding hands in a chain spanning the entire width of the walkway.

An example of this would be Grandpa holding little Jimmy's hand, while little Jimmy also holds his mommy's hand at the same time as mommy desperately grasps the upper arm of little Heather, who really wishes she wasn't being held onto, but could go ahead and jump into that exciting looking water feature looming in the horizon instead.

2. The Stop and Go Zig Zag

This behavior is usually engaged in by a singular person. It consists of a severe form of lollygagging combined with an utter lack of consideration for anyone walking behind.

An example of this would be an elderly woman walking with her husband: She checks out the overpriced cat food in the pet shop window. She veers towards it to see properly. Suddenly she stops. Is there something in her eye? No, she just couldn't handle walking and correcting her glasses at the same time. Then, she spots what seems to be a scarf in a boutique window on the other side of the walkway, and changes direction pulling her husband along. Nope. She stops again. It wasn't a scarf after all, it was a traffic cone to warn the shoppers of a broken tile. She doesn't want to hurt herself, so she gives the cone a wide berth. A fall could cost her a hip, after all.

3. The Blockage

This behavior is usually perpetrated by a person with some sort of prop, such as a shopping cart, a huge beer-gut, a stroller, a large amount of shopping bags, or a purse the size of a shopping cart.

An example of this would be a middle aged woman whose phone rings as she is strolling the mall with a child or two in a shopping cart. She hears her phone. Stops. She begins to dig around her largish (and clearly containing quite a few suspicious items) purse to locate the ringing phone, while her children in the shopping cart stare at the people trying to pass her walkway blocking cart and person. She finally finds the phone, answers it and eyes the people trying to pass her angrily. It is their fault she cannot hear the person on the other end of the line, what with their incessant "excuse me ma'am"s.

4. The Oohwhatisthatoverthere Point

This behavior is typical of those to whom shopping is a passion. It consists of constant stopping followed by dangerous pointing and gasping. Shrieks have also been recorded with this behavior.

An example of this would be a group of teenage girls with or without tiny canines in purses. These girls are already weighed down by an abundance of various shopping bags, but they are also obviously high on the caffeine and sugar found in the beverages they are proudly toting. All of them will constantly stop, gasp/shriek "ohmygodIwantthat" and point without any regard to their fellow shoppers, possibly with their iPhones, which may cause substantial injuries to innocent bystanders.  

5. The Slow Wallet

This behavior is the marker of a person who is by him/herself and never in a hurry. It entails patting of pockets and/or rummaging through a bag or bags for an exceedingly long stretch of time or placing a wallet on the counter after receiving change and a receipt to place the receipt and the change slowly into the wallet thus effectually blocking the register.

An example of this would be a man who for some weird reason thinks it would be funny to act like he doesn't remember where his wallet is while trying to chat the bored cashier up, all the while the other people behind him burn holes in his back and the cashier makes a face that clearly reads: Not funny chum. Or a lady who after the very important purchase of a coke or a pack of gum places her purse on the register, lays her wallet on the counter, finds her keys because after exiting the shop she is going to head for her car, and slowly, but surely inserts the receipt into a compartment of the wallet that is already brimming with receipts.

6. The Sticky Stain

This behavior is extremely typical of a stressed and desperate parent, and often results in small sticky handprints all over the mall and on innocent bystanders. A longish sugar high is also to be expected.

An example of this would be a fretful mother who needs to feed her screaming youngest while her older kids have decided they no longer want to play in the designated 'play area', but are angling for that exciting water feature instead. She rushes into the gelato place, gets enough ice cream to keep her children busy while the smallest one eats and sits them down where they have no line of sight to the fountain. More ice cream ends on the floor and on the children's hands than in their stomachs. And look, that nice woman's wool coat will do nicely for a napkin. Awesome!

7. The Can You Hear Me Now?

This behavior is the marker of a person who has no shame. It involves intimate details and loud yelling.

An example of this would be anyone who, while on the phone at the mall, would be able to make the following statement: "You people are making it hard for me to hear what my doctor thinks might be the cause of my oozing hemorrhoids/ tapioca-pudding-like vaginal discharge."

We have a new sister in the sorority

Optimistic pessimist is her name, and gently policing the world of RWPs is her game.
She enjoys running, ogling at giant burgers, beer, wine and of course blogging.

This is how she does it. On a particular no-worker co-worker (nwcw):

She has read an entire book at her desk, convinced others she's busy, taken long numerous breaks, and has had bizarre phone conversations with vendors.

Today her socks inspired me to take a picture. I consider it my duty to share this with you. Along with taking excessively long cigarette breaks, even longer lunches, talking to me about nothing for hours, and reading books at her desk she has quite a fashion sense. Yes that’s right…I work right next to a RWP.

Today she wore black socks pulled way up with black shoes and some sort of blueish jumpsuitish outfit. Usually I am fairly unaffected by what she wears as I’ve become acclimated to her sense of style. But the socks, the socks are new to me. I very discreetly snapped a few shots with my cell.

However, our Opie has a dark side as well. Sometimes she is a RWP too:

Ok so here’s the thing that may shock you. I have been guilty of committing at least one (if not more) RWP acts. Yes, that’s right, I must confess. But let me say that I feel this only makes me even more qualified. I strayed to the dark side and I never want to go back. So where did this incident take place? The Mecca of RWP…..the grocery store.

I had a large cart of groceries and it was extremely busy. I waited in line like a good little shopper, put my groceries on the belt, I even helped bag them.

So what went wrong?

I had forgotten my wallet. 

I thought surely it must be in my large purse somewhere. I could hear sighs coming from the people behind me as the cashier stood there glaring. I kept digging, thinking it must be in there somewhere. I didn’t find it. She had to call a manager over to void my groceries. This whole process must have taken 5 to 10 minutes. They parked my cart by the customer service desk and told me that if I wasn’t back in 30 minutes they would put all my groceries away. I eventually made it back just in time with my head hung low and paid for my groceries. This experience has haunted my ever since. It wouldn’t have been so bad had the line not been so long. To this day I’m wondering if perhaps there’s a picture of me explaining to the checkout clerk that I left my wallet at home, on someone’s blog dishing out appropriate punishments for my act of RWPism.

Welcome OP!

welcome to switzerland

everyone take a deep breath. switzerland has arrived. everyone loves switzerland. it's neutral. it's small. it's beautiful. there are mountains and lakes. it's very picturesque. it makes everyone feel calm and serene. there's lots of money in numbered accounts that no one asks questions about. it's where we put things in the vault and leave them. and i'm positive there are no RWP in switzerland. it's too neat and tidy for them. too polite and proper and well-dressed and groomed and well, pretty.

and switzerland thinks we should kinda start this whole ARWP thing over. wipe the slate clean. because ARWP is above all about being funny, it's not actually about hating anyone. they may annoy us, those toothless mouth breathers who stand in the middle of the doors while we try to get off the train with our suitcases, who run over our feet with their big-ass baby carriages when we're just trying to get to the wine aisle of the grocery store, who drive like idiots right in front of us, blatantly talking on their mobile phones when they're not supposed to do that in the car and clearly have an utter lack of ability to multi-task. we need an outlet for those encounters, somewhere where it's safe to laugh about them. and that somewhere is here.

but we don't hate people. that's why we changed the logo to say "real world people suck" because they do. however, we have to remember that sometimes, the RWP actually perceive us as RWP. when i'm trying to get off the metro dragging my suitcase, my big-ass camera bag and my bag containing two laptops and my purse while balancing the remainder of a grande latte between my shoulder and my chin, guess what. that clown standing there actually thinks i'm the RWP. that i'm the annoying one. imagine that! and while that's shocking to say the least, it's also true.

so let's return to the spirit of this thing. it's a sorority of sorts and because it's a sorority, that means we need to have rush and pledges and perhaps a bit of friendly hazing. we need people who are serious about being contributors to commit acts of RWPism and document them. and because i am the fairyblogmother™ i'll lead by example:

we allowed the child and her big sister to take up an inordinate amount of seating on the train last week when we headed to the airport. it was only when it began to get crowded and people came on with their own luggage and bikes that we yelled at them to stop using all that space and make room for the other people. look at M, she's even got her feet up on the bags...sigh, those RWPs are awful.

secondly, we need people to identify acts of RWPism out there in the world and document them, you know, for the sake of developing an anthropology of RWP. here's an example:

first of all, this purse is just wrong. and what you can't see is that this girl is standing there with a big old umbrella that she keeps bonking me in the head with the pointy bits of and generally allowing to drip on me. which is why i was forced to take pictures of her heinous purse and use them in a blog post.

so, we're wiping the slate clean. we're putting all author permissions in the swiss vault. from this day forward, if you want to be a contributing author on Project: ARWP, you've got to show us your stuff. that you have yourself committed acts of RWPism and you're not afraid to admit it. plus, sneaking pix of the RWP is really, really fun. so go forth and capture RWPs. in the interest of science and anthropology, of course.

and now let rush week begin!

First Grade English

 the setting:  Monday, late-afternoon
                   A pharmacy in middle America
                

the actors: Citizen of Skumbutt, USA
                 A smart and beautiful, yet haggard pharmacist, who didn't get to sit down for lunch
                 Two spunky techs

the dialog:
Citizen :: "Wha chu mean they's not dun yet? Theys  had 'posda dun been fillt last week!"

Pharmacist :: "Well, ma'am, I'm not sure. Let me just take a look in the computer and see what the problem is."

Citizen :: " I dun callt 'em in, I spoke t' a girl, she dun said she fill 'em. So tell me why aint they dun?"

Pharmacist :: "I'm checking right now. They may have been too soon or maybe you didn't have any refills. Just a second and let me check it out"

Citizen :: "Yeah you best check dat out. They had 'posda dun been fillt."

Techs :: giggling "Yeah, they had 'posda dun been fillt."

Citizen :: "Hey, is  this'n gonna costs? They's sum that costs. My breather costs."

The worst part about this whole scenario is that it's true. Let me get something straight though. I have no problem with immigrants coming to America for whatever reason they may have. I'm usually quite patient with anyone learning english as a second language. In fact my grandparents come over from Italy in the early 1900's (my Mom is a first generation American, and I'm proud of it). But they struggled with the language just like anyone else. I've heard that learning English is the hardest language to learn next to Chinese. Just think of all the homophones and homonyms and all those nuances of the English language we learned in the third grade and take for granted.

I enjoy learning foreign languages as well. In high school I tool French and Latin. In college I took French and German. I've always wanted to take Italian but life keeps getting in the way. My point is, if you come into the pharmacy and you are from another country, I will do my best to converse with you. We even have a translator built into the pharmacy system. It comes in quite handy with the Spanish population.

However.... When you are born and raised in middle America and English is your first (and I dare say only language), I fully expect you to know your grammar. There is no excuse for grammar as horrible as this one patient showed. And truthfully, it disgusts me. It embarrasses me. And I'm not sure who to blame. It would be easy to blame the system, but really? My kids go to public school and their grammar is fine (plus or minus a few f-bombs). Although we aren't in the same school district, we are only 11 miles away, could there really be that much of a difference?

Well, I guess it doesn't really matter, because I figured out the problem, and now they posda had dun been filt, or something like that.

The Scientific ARWP Series: a RWP in its natural habitat.

Although ARWPism as a science is a fairly unknown and recent discovery in the scientific world, it is also one of the fastest growing research topics. There have been a number of secret meetings conferences focusing on this important subject, and studies in this field are amongst the best financed in comparison to any popular field. There have been some generous endorsements from the IT as well as the food and drug industry. Several governments also now acknowledge the importance of ARWPism as a science that will some day alter the entire globe as well as change the way we view our world.

As our cult project can be said to stand on the barricades of this much needed scientific movement, if not be the actual barricade between the well known sciences governed by the wild herds of RWP, and the newfound global study of ARWPism, we had the immense pleasure of sitting down with one of the leading names in our field, Dr. Agnestine MacLead-Bounty ARWP.Cand. MD.ARWP. Ph.Darwp., and receive a first hand recount of her revolutionary studies amongst a tribe of RWPs in their natural habitat.

Dr. MacLead-Bounty, when you started your studies in this field, it was not well-known or very well funded for that matter. You had to do the field studies yourself. Eat, sleep and on occasion even mate with RWPs. What made you interested in the every-day behaviors of RWPs to such extent that you were willing to leave the safety of your computer behind and move in together with a RWP and eventually marry him? Weren't you afraid of what are normally referred to as 'the in-laws'?

Well, Extranjera, as a young student I was forced to attend a standard RWP university. Back then there were only a handful of us ARWPs in one class at any one time, unlike today where RWPs on any university campus are almost an oddity. In my day we had to hide, because if we were seen out and about with our very heavy laptops we were immediately branded and teased even, or at the least bored to death by questions of whether we were "playing Super Mario" or "calling home, ET." Also, unlike today the hunt for power sources was tough, and wireless was only a glint in someone's eye. We only used our laptops to take notes in class, but we knew that was only the beginning.

So to answer your question, Ext, I had always been surrounded by RWPs, even my mother was practically one. I didn't experience fear, just annoyance. And instead of simply being annoyed I began to chronicle the various behaviors of RWPs and when it came time for me to choose my field of study I dug out my floppy disks full of that precious data and went to work.

Wow, it is refreshing to hear a field veteran's point of view. And we're also glad to hear that there was never any fear, since co-existence, as you yourself have remarked on several occasions, is the ONLY way for the globe to survive this ever-widening divide. 

But our readers, as well as ourselves, are extremely interested in the actual fieldwork you did. I read in one of your studies, which we will be featuring later on in this series of articles, that at one point you almost came to blows with one of your subjects. How did that happen?


I knew you were going to mention that, Extranjera. Not one of my prouder moments, but I felt I had to chronicle it as to show everyone reading my studies how not to engage a RWP. No matter how annoying that RWP is being.

But what took place?

Well, I had been tracking this one RWP, who we had dubbed 'Grandma' as she was quite old, seemed to have matriarchal properties amongst her specific pride, which consisted of two grown adults, three younger ones and one recently born offspring. We had gathered that she was normally used as the pack animal for the recently born offspring. See, RWPs have different priorities in life. They seem to put their offspring ahead of everything else in the world. Oftentimes that serves to protect the offspring from members of other prides and the pull of the screen, but other times it serves to turn them into little ARWPs, and sometimes it completely fails the parents and the offspring becomes what we refer to as 'a spoilt rotten brat'. When these offspring grow up they usually make the worst RWP.

But I digress. I'm sorry Ext. It is just that I really do think it's important to talk about all these issues creating tension between us and RWP.

Don't worry. This is extremely interesting. 
Do go on.

Yes. So I had been tracking Grandma for some time, while she had been doing something the old ones of the tribe of RWP refer to as 'Mall walking'. Boring as ever I tell you, but the old ones seem to enjoy seeing the same shopfronts over and over again. Some sort of gold-fish effect I suspect. The old ones' memories are not usually very good. Tracking hadn't been too taxing, seeing as she was so old, and she had the youngest one from her pride with her. I could tell she was getting tired and looking for somewhere to go sit down and have a cup of coffee. Now, at this 'Mall' they have plenty of coffee shops intended for her kind, but for some reason she steered towards a Starbucks, and one with a wifi-hotspot even. I could tell I had to keep on her tracks no matter what. Also, I really needed a latte myself as well  some time to sit down and check my email.

No?!?! She actually went to Starbucks?

Yes, Extranjera, that she did. And that's where it all started going downhill.

I stood behind her in line. Anxious for my latte, but also keeping a vigilant eye out for any noteworthy behavior on her side. She just stood there, not really moving ahead in line as the ones in front of her moved. She just kept bending down and talking to the youngest one in the stroller. I could see ARWPs eyeing her and the stroller suspiciously. Then it was her turn to order. I moved up to hear how she would engage the cashier.

"A cup of coffee please, dear" is what came out of her mouth. Can you imagine the snickers emanating from everyone in line, as well as the baffled look the barista gave her. And then she just stood there offering the $10 bill to the cashier. The snickers subsided, and a sort of calm I don't think I had ever felt before, or have felt since fell over the latte-drinking, web-surfing crowd. I stepped up.

"Excuse me ma'am," I said, trying frantically to remember how to address an RWP while not being able to type :o) or LOL. "Ma'am, you need to choose the kind of coffee you want, you could just go for the coffee of the day, and then you need to decide what size coffee you want, whether you want to leave space for milk or not, and whether you want it for here or to go," I rattled away, while gathering amazed looks. I realized I might be coming off as a RWP. Just in case, I brandished my iPhone as not to attract any unwanted attention.

The old one looked at me with watery eyes and yelled "WHAT?, WHATCHA SAYIN' GIRL?" I felt gobsmacked. I didn't know what more to do. She kept her eyes on me. And then I knew the jig was up. She was on to me. All this Starbucks business had been a ploy to lure me into a confrontation. She had probably felt anxious for the young one because she had sensed me hanging about and decided to make a move before I had a chance to make one. She had planned this, and used the things she knew I couldn't resist as baits.

Oh no! Why would she do that? Didn't she understand that you wanted her no harm, that you were just observing her?

I'm sorry to say, Extranjera, that we often encounter aggressive behavior in our field work. Unlike us who have an outlet for our annoyance in blogging, tweeting, mailing, IMing, and such, the RWP only have their vocal chords, their fists and legs and the occasional journal hidden in the bottom drawer to express their feelings. They often go for the direct confrontation, unlike us who immediately tweet about a situation and then later on blog about it.

Unfortunately, Extranjera, we ARWP are just very differently wired than the RWP. Sad but true.

Oh, Dr. MacLead-Bounty, I have to say you do outstanding work. I can't even begin to thank you for this great opportunity to interview you as well as for your willingness to share your research with us. We feel so honored. Thank you!

Know thy enemy, Extranjera, know thy enemy.

Too true.

Stay tuned for the exciting case studies from the wealth of knowledge that is Dr. MacLead-Bounty's research. Until then!

RWP type: the righteous ones

in the interest of furthering the anthropological study of RWPs, i hereby give you The Righteous Ones.

in my humble opinion, these are the worst kind of all. the ones who feel the need to throw their RWPness in your face and rub it around, just to make sure you've gotten a thorough taste of it.

we encountered one today on the way home.

the scene: a train platform.

the activity: waiting for the next train, which would arrive in 4 minutes.

the players: a few RWP waiting for the train. myself. husband. the child. prissy, priggish uniformed employee of train company.

the props: husband and me had our bikes. the child had her scooter.

we were down towards the end of the platform...the first car and the last car of each train have spaces for bicycles, so we were waiting where we knew that car would be.

the child was, in an open area with no other people near her, coasting back and forth on her scooter. the priggish uniformed woman whose sole joy in life is to catch people without tickets and give them a fine snottily informed the child that that wasn't allowed. despite the fact that there is NO indication that this is so and the child was not bothering anyone and was constantly aware of whether she might run into someone. the child quietly came and stood by us, eyes big, thoroughly chastised by righteous wench woman, who was clearly joyful that she had squashed what might have been burgeoning creativity and signs of life from the child.

i loudly, in english, remarked to husband that it certainly wasn't clear that using one's scooter on the platform wasn't allowed as there was no signage and i couldn't really see what harm it did. husband remarked to the child that she hadn't been bothering anyone and it was ok. i tweeted that righteous RWP were the worst kind and wished i'd had the wherewithall to march up to the woman, point my iPhone in her face and take her picture, informing her that i was tweeting so that anyone on tweetie in the vicinity would be warned of her presence.

next time. i swear i'm going to do it.

what types of RWP have you seen? and how can we combat them effectively?